No one judges me... except for myself.

Is during my solo conversations with God that I feel profoundly loved.

I guess I never knew what being truly judged was until God blessed my path with one of the most amazing persons on earth and for this lovely reason, every now and then I get scared and don't feel "enough". God has tested me with this, and I know I am weak, but I won't stumble. When I talk about being judged, I am not talking about "the people", because the people has shown me their love in so many beautiful ways... people I barely know has given me their support and love. When I talk about being judged, I talk about me judging myself. One of the wisest persons I have ever met once told me: "unlike yourself, I don't put tags on people... Or to say it better, I didn´t put a tag on you".

What is it with us, humans (or some of us), that we try to strive for perfection, when all we need to do is to BE the best version of ourselves (whatever that means). All we need to do is to love ourselves and the people around us... That's it, really!  But for some reason, we (or at least I) always find reasons not to feel enough.

I haven't found the formula for self forgiveness or limitless self love, and perhaps I shouldn't, otherwise I may end up being an arrogant... Nevertheless, every time I close my eyes and feel like I am not enough, I pray to the Lord for strenght, faith, wisdom and love... Every time I feel I am about to crumble, I look up for Him and on a blink of an eye, He is right there with me, healing my wounds and reminding me that we are all imperfect and that He loves us all, just the way we are... Every time I wonder "how did I get so lucky?" He replies back on His best way, showing me that for Him we are all exceptional creatures, worth the world in every possible way. I know Im not the first one to say this, but I cannot just NOT share it....  when I need to feel safe, secure and strong, all I need to do is turn my eyes, heart and soul to Jesus. Every time I feel like "the world" is against me (when in fairness, that "world" seems to be only me), I raise my hands and heart to Him and, like magic, He grants me the peace my heart needs.

I know God is always next to me, waiting for me to take His hand, and when I take it, not only does He makes me feel like I am not alone, but He reminds me that  when it comes to fighting my own demons and all my personal battles, He is more than just a cheerleader... He is my Coach, my trainer, my strenght, my source of power and more. I shall win all the battles, even if in this terrenal life they look like failures, I know I am winning them all, because when it comes to God, absolutely everything is part of His perfect plan.

Let His love and mercy remind me every day that we are all worth the same... No matter our past, no matter what we have done, we are all worth the world to His eyes, and we deserve the same kind of love. Let me be thankful for the angels He has sent to this earth to remind me what I am worth, who help me be the best I can be and as happy as I can be. On this special day, I am thankful for him, my favorite angel on earth <3, who not only reminds me every day what I am worth, but also shows me a world of love, joy and above all, hope...

Psalm 23 "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me..." 

An update on my pursuit of happiness: I can´t remember when I was sad the last time.

I can´t remember when I was sad the last time. That has to be good, right? :D

We sometimes get used to being sad or to have a plain and boring life, which is not wrong (we are free to choose how we want to live the life we are given)… about me? I have dedicated the last years of my life to fight each and every single day to be the person I want to be. This fight, which will never end until the day I die, has had positive results so far…

Today I am thankful for what I had experienced the last 28 years of my life, for they have made me who I am today… but I am especially thankful (and proud!) for the last year and a half. When I realized my life was not what I expected it to be, back in 2013, I made dramatic changes and almost felt like I was starting from scratch. I was trying to remember who I was, what I wanted from life and from the people around me… I started wondering about the things that truly made me happy, remembering my values and, who I truly was. This exercise was incredibly good… I did it all, all over again: dancing, painting, running, writing, traveling, reading, praying, walking, being on my own, being with complete strangers, being with my family, being with God… When I think of why is it that I can´t even remember the last time I was sad, all I can think of is that I was way too busy looking for happiness that I forgot what sadness looked like.

Exploring the world, its people, its places and activities, has given me happiness, peace of mind and a sense of being complete. Every activity I started, helped me find a small piece of who I am... Here are some of the things and gifts I found through each of the things I did to find myself and build my own happiness:

1. Through drawing and painting lessons, I learned that not everything is about being quick and efficient. Painting is an art that takes time, appreciation, attention to details and specially, it requires a soft side of you to be purely exposed… when you paint, you need to feel every movement of your hand and every emotion needs to be connected to your fingers and its fibers. I learned to be soft, gentle, and to observe…

2. Through dancing, I found the importance of self confidence… you need to believe in yourself! Someone who dances, say flamenco, without confidence, passion or fire will look just ridiculous! You need those elements to bring the dancing to life! And guess what? You need those elements to LIVE and ENJOY life!

3. Through writing, I learned to put out there all the emotions, sensations, feelings, moments and memories. When I write not only I organize my ideas, but sometimes I let the past go. In other instances, I write to make an emotion or a memory last forever… every time I read what I write, I reframe myself.

4. Through running, I prove myself that I can be better than what I think I am. I prove myself that there are no limits when you dedicate yourself fully to something. When you try, try and keep trying (training), you can only get better and better. Running for me is like living… at the beginning you can´t run 1 Km without feeling pain or getting injured badly, but once you start practicing and you learn the way, you just get better and faster! When I run I feel limitless and I know I can accomplish anything I want.

5. Through singing, I only scare people haha but who cares, it makes me happy… when I sing I feel every word and emotion of a particular song... Music takes me to a place of magic. When I sing, especially to God, I feel Him with me and I find that this can be a moment for us two…

6. Through travelling, I have learned to be open, tolerant and appreciative of what I have and humble about what I lack. When I travel, I meet incredible people who show me there´s a world out there, waiting for us! I have learned that I need to remain with my heart and mind open to see and perceive the greatness of this world and what it has to offer, such as beautiful and incredible people and amazing places! When I travel, I practice my true self and I let myself be… the more I practice it, the more real it becomes and the easier it gets to be who I am in my real world.

7. Through being with complete strangers, I learned that we all have a story to tell. The life we are given, which sometimes seems to be “hard”, turns out to be full of stars and joy when you learn from others´ journeys. When you listen, when you see and feel others, the doors of appreciation, understanding and care are opened. Every time you get to know a new person and actually open your heart to that individual (just for the sake of being human), you learn to love a bit more.

8. Through being with the ones I love (friends, family, coworkers), I have learned that there´s beautiful people who truly knows me and my heart… who are and will always be with me. True friends and family, lift you up. True friends and family, fill your heart with love and hope when your imperfect self becomes weak. They teach you how to love, to be thankful and to care…

9. Through praying I connect with God and any possible pain is healed… When I pray, God reminds me I am not alone and that there´s a plan being worked out for me… When I am alone, with God and his infinite love, I remember why it is all worth it. Being today here with Him, gives me hope and strength for a better and even happier future. When I close my eyes, I close them to the promise of a joyful tomorrow.

I am thankful for my past, for it has made me who I am.

I am thankful for my present, for it is full of blessings and happiness.

I am hopeful of the future, for it is full of opportunities to be the best I can be.

Thank you to those who have joined me in the journey of life… may God grant me time on earth to keep  fighting each and every day for my own happiness, and for the construction of a world on which love is the only rule.

Live. Love. Explore. Be thankful. Have courage.

A happy moment at the Golden Gate <3 15.11.14