El que esté libre de pecado, que tire la primera piedra.

¿Quién dice que las cosas deben de ser de cierta manera?

Si eres de Monterrey, tu como yo creciste bajo una sombra de protocolos, procedimientos, deberías, estándares y reglas sociales... Yo viví así por muchos años, hasta que me di cuenta que aunque seguir protocolos te construye una imagen y tiene sus beneficios, no te garantiza la felicidad, ni te hace inmune a los errores. No tengo nada en contra de los estándares sociales si estos te hacen verdaderamente feliz y no dañan a los que te rodean. Desde mi percepción, el problema viene cuando  los estándares, los deberías, las ideas del proceder humano y demás normas sociales, impactan de alguna forma a terceros que "ni vela tenían en el entierro", entonces sí estoy completamente en desacuerdo. No podemos atrevernos a juzgar la vida de otros desde nuestra idiosincrasia. ¿Quién osa criticar las decisiones de terceros desde su trinchera? Métete en los zapatos de esa persona, entra en su mente y en su corazón y entonces, sólo entonces tal vez logres comprender los motivos que hay detrás del proceder de ese individuo... y aun si ya los  entendieras, antes de atreverte a decir una sola palabra, ve en tu interior y respóndete a ti mismo si tú realmente tienes la autoridad moral para emitir un juicio. Me he visto tentada a juzgar e incluso lo he hecho, sólo  para darme cuenta de mi pequeñez humana por obrar de tal forma ¿quién soy yo para juzgar? ¡nadie!

Cada quien es libre de vivir la vida en la forma en la que mejor le parezca, con la ropa que más le guste, con la gente que más feliz o infeliz le haga, con sus errores y aciertos, con alegrías y enojos, con sus intentos e incluso con sus inconsistencias... Todos tenemos derecho a primeras, segundas y terceras oportunidades. Todos absolutamente todos debemos darnos la oportunidad, unos a otros, de descubrirnos tal cual somos y amarnos así al natural, sin juicios, sin reproches, sin estereotipos, sin idiosincrasias, sin memoria del mal ocasionado. 

Para mi, que he cometido errores múltiples, es imperativo que seamos capaces de perdonarnos en el amor y en ese amor, abrirnos a convivir, aceptarnos, respetarnos y hacer comunidad... Para mi eso es vivir humanamente.

No creo que los protocolos, estándares y reglas sociales sean poco importantes, sin duda le dan ritmo y forma a la sociedad, pero estoy convencida de que cuando se hacen las cosas con el corazón, desde el respeto y el amor, el protocolo y la norma salen sobrando. 

El que esté libre de pecado, que tire la primera piedra.

Carta abierta

Supe que te amaba el día que te enfermaste y te llevé a tu casa en la calle Mónaco. Estabamos en el sillón y tu apenas podías abrir tus ojos; yo quería que en un instante pudieras recuperar la sonrisa y el aliento. Te amé desde ese día y lo he hecho cada día más desde entonces. 

No sé cómo sean las relaciones perfectas, no creo que la nuestra lo sea... Pero lo que sí sé, es que esto que tenemos es lo más lindo que me haya pasado. 

No fué fácil al principio, con tus dudas, mis miedos, tus preguntas, mis errores... No fue nada fácil sabernos imperfectos y así, en la desnudez del alma, decidir a conciencia sî estar juntos era lo mejor o no. Puedo decir con certeza que aunque las ganas no disminuyeron ante los baches inherentes a ser adultos y humanos, sí hubo momentos en los que pensé que no era para ti y que tu no eras para mi (y a veces en mi inseguridad y fragilidad humana, me pasa que lo vuelvo a pensar). Pero a pesar de eso, a pesar de todo, el amor no dejaba de crecer... El amor crecía y crece, cada que abro una puerta más de tu alma y cada que tu abres una más de la mia. Y la verdad es que yo jamás me imaginè que mi corazón tuviera escondites con reservas especiales de amor, hasta que tu llegaste a romper la idea que tenia del amor y me ayudaste a construirLO... Tu me hiciste ver que puedo ser mejor de lo que ya era... Me enseñas cada dīa que es a través de esfuerzo y dedicación, que se construye una relación sana. 

"Esto es de dos y es de todos los días... Esta en nuestras manos"

Paciencia, comunicación, apertura, serenidad, aceptación, curiosidad, temor de Dios, fé.

No somos perfectos y no tenemos la relaciòn perfecta, pero tú y yo, cada día que despertamos a un "buenos días, mi amor", aceptamos y tomamos la responsabilidad y el compromiso de darlo todo, un día a la vez... Es así, como nuestra imperfección sucumbe ante los momentos mágicos de correr juntos y abrazarnos sudados, comer nieve de yogurt con frutas y chocolate del que se hace duro, bailar una bachata en la cocina mientras Emiliano nos ve sonriendo, cocinar tu platillo favorito mientras me cuentas como te fue en el día, lavar los platos mientras acaricias mi cabello. 

Yo sé que no soy perfecta. Yo sé que tal vez tu no lo seas tampoco. Pero cuándo estamos juntos, no hay nada más perfecto que nuestro amor y los momentos mágicos que èste nos regala. 

Que nos dure este amor... Que no termine la magia.

Te amo.

I have a million scars, how about you?

Back to where a heart was once broken down to pieces... Who would have thought that a heart can find its way back home... Who would have thought that a heart can be put back together. 

I have a million scars, how about you?

I can't say I am proud of my mistakes or that I have forgotten it all... that would be a lie. But I can say, with a fixed and happy heart, that one can find its way back home... The pieces of my heart, one by one, formed the puzzle of my soul back together. As time passed by and as I understood each an every lesson I was supposed to learn, my heart and soul started to recover. 

Now that I walk the streets I left a year and a half ago, I realize how empty I was. It wasn't me who once walked these streets, it was a shell, an empty, dried and broken soul. 

Heavy heart.

Broken dreams.

Empty soul.

Today, humbled by the blessings given this past year and a half, I thank the Lord for having brought me to life once again. I thank the Lord, for a second chance in life. 

Today not only has my soul been filled, but it has found a soulmate to walk life with. He keeps my soul alive... he keeps my heart tight, and every single day, he makes sure my heart gets to safe harbour... He is my soulmate, my life partner, my everything. I shall not live adventures alone anymore... I will no longer walk the road of life solo. 

May this trip be a reminder of my mistakes, not to suffer them again, but to remind myself of how far I have come. I shall not make the same mistakes again. I shall continue living the life I've dreamed of. I shall keep my heart and soul intact, because I deserve it. 

The past sits in the past. I am not there anymore. I've gotten better. I've learned. I've grown. I am mine, I am His.

Keep me under the shadow of your wings. Take me only to where your glory protects me... May my steps only follow the light of Your love. 

I'm safe. I'm free. I'm not alone. ❤️

The battle against bulimia

50 kilograms, my weight this morning. 

I had bulimia for over 7 years… let me say it better, I hated my body for over 7 years and I did absolutely everything I could to lose weight. Vomiting was just one of the many things I did to keep myself from being overweight. Sometimes I did not eat, some others I used laxatives, some others I vomited and put it on a weight to make sure I was vomiting all I ate.

Seems too crazy to remember the times when my mind was so busy wondering how fat my ass looked on a pair of jeans… or how big my belly could look on a specific dress. Funny how I did not realize how damaged my face was from forcing the vomit. When I look to those 2007 pictures, you can tell from my face that something was not right…

Full boxes of cereal… gone in minutes.
Vomit on bags, which I weighted afterwards.
Hands shaking and body trembling from the compulsion of eating… from the battle in my head “eat” “don´t eat” “eat and vomit” “don´t eat”...
Looking myself in a mirror and repeating “you look ugly” “you look overweight” “you look disgusting”

2007 was the year when things got out of control. I was vomiting way too often and my mind was all over the place. My throat was in pain and so was my stomach… my mouth was all sore and myself image was on the floor.

A few angels walked into my life and gave me their support... they showed me the way. I was away from home but a family was given to me. With Tati, Karla, Marusi, Sepideh, Luz and Lupita, my heart underwent a recovery process. They cooked for me, they gave me their love (without judgment), They filled me with compliments and they respected who I was, despite me being a bit weird. They made me realize that I needed professional support to get over my image issues and specially, to protect my body from more damage. So let me say this one more time: they gave me their love and support, without judgment.

Pato, a great friend to which I will be forever thankful, was the one who took me to therapy and walked me into what was the most incredible rehab journey. From 2007 to 2009 I was in rehab with girls my age. We were all trying to leave this monster behind. It was incredible to see these amazingly beautiful girls seeing themselves as ugly. On every group session I was able to learn from my rehab partners the following: we all vomit our fears, our anxieties and we put in our image all those things that we hate from ourselves and our lives. Bulimia is more than just an “I want to be thin” thing. As rehab passed by, I started to identify the items of my life and of myself that I was trying to control and resolve, through my eating and self image issues.

It is all in our heads… Accepting myself was key to start loving not only my body, but my life overall. Getting over bulimia was just a step towards my self love and acceptation. The battle with food was over, but not the battle with my internal demons.

Here is my advice to you.

1. If you have eating and image issues, look for help. There´s a way out. There´s a happy tomorrow.

2. If you have friends or family with eating and image issues, give them all the love you can… is through love and ONLY LOVE, that you will gain their trust… they will open their hearts to you and once you get there, you will be able to take them to safe harbor, through professional support.

3. After the love and support from your loved ones, Rehab/Therapy is the key for your wellness. Gifts of rehab: accepting yourself, knowing yourself, loving yourself, controlling yourself, enjoying yourself :D and lastly, enabling you to prevent and control any possible relapse.

This past week I felt ugly and overweight. This was one of those times on which I was just being stupid and just needed to tell my demons: GO AWAY, FUCK OFF.  :D . Today I am wearing the tightest jeans I have and I am repeating to myself: you look amazing.

To my fellow rehabilitated friends, a  reminder: You are now able to fight this battle on your own… be prepared, for our demons always find a way back home. Be confident of what you have accomplished… every time your demons knock the door,  just say: I am not available for you anymore.

Stay healthy. Love yourself. Be always prepared. Don´t lose focus. God´s on your side.

The glory of crossing the finish line

April 6, 2014. I woke up extremely early to watch the Paris Marathon on SKY Sports. I love my company and I couldn´t be more proud to see our brand all over the streets of Paris. I was following the female leaders of the race and as I watched them smash the streets of Paris, I could only think “how on earth can they run all those kilometers”. For me, it seemed impossible to think that a regular gal like me could do such thing.

5 months after having watched the race, I started to see the marketing for the 2015 edition of the race… so then it happened… the crazy idea got into my head: “what if I sign up for it?”. I started to ask my friends about how feasible it was for me to accomplish it. I did research about the training plans and started to seriously think about registering for the 2015 edition of the Paris Marathon. The decision was made: I was going to run the Paris Marathon. I registered very early, around September 2014 and when I got my bib number (near October), I knew there was no turn back… The clock was ticking, training needed to start!

I downloaded the Nike Running app and started to track my performance… needless to say that at the beginning I could barely run 2 kilometers nonstop. The first weeks were painful and full of injuries… I had no strength on my legs and I had no idea on how to run properly. My training shoes were very old and my eating habits were very bad… but I was convinced that I was going to make it, I had 6 months ahead to learn, fail, get up, fail again and to get better. My times started to get better (just a little, I am still massively slow), my legs started to get stronger and so did my mind and my heart. As the year kicked in, training started to get more challenging… Long runs over 17, 20 and 30 kilometers… I did them all. Every kilometer destroyed was a pillar added to my palace of confidence. Every long run that I completed was a shot to every single one of my personal demons.

April 12th, 2015. The morning of the race. 

As we got to the starting point, I started praying, but not for me to finish the race because there are real things for which one should pray and, a race is not one of them. I thanked God for the blessings in my life; I thanked God for 6 months of training on which I learned more about life than about running… Although I really wanted to finish the race, I knew in my heart that crossing the finish line wasn´t truly important… it was the journey that got me there what was really valuable. Yes, I wanted the medal, but in my heart I was confident that the best prices had been already given to me. During the stretching for the marathon, I thought on all the life lessons that the training gave me and then, 10 minutes before the race started, I felt completely in peace… I was ready for the 42.195 kilometers.

On every kilometer I ran, I remembered the key lessons and I thanked each one of them…

1. To the old man I saw on the road pushing a big bicycle, without shoes: thank you for teaching me that running a marathon is NOT something we should look forward to, or to pray for. We should pray for peoples true needs. We should be thankful. That day, I felt ashamed I had spent 187 USD on my training shoes, just because I wanted to pride myself of saying “I ran a marathon”. That pride was gone when I passed the old man and I saw his hurt feet.

2. To the family passing by, and who were pushing a loading bicycle with a baby on it (using it as a crib and stroller): thank you for making me realize of how stupid my worries are. I have it all. I must be thankful and appreciate.

3. To the people who cheered me, from their moving cars when they saw me running in the roads: thank you for teaching me that we all live in a society for a reason… to support each other. A smile has no cost, but it does deliver a piece of happiness to the one receiving the smile. I learned to give more to the people around me, because we are all on the same boat of life.

4. To the rainy training days, thank you for teaching me that sometimes we voluntarily put ourselves in bad situations and voluntarily accept to stay in them. From you, I learned that we have the power and the will to decide where to be, with whom and under which conditions. We are no victims. We are the masters of our lives.

5. To every training day. Thank you for teaching me that absolutely every goal can be accomplished if one dedicates its time and efforts to that goal. There is no goal big enough, when a plan is in place and one follows it. Failure is not an option, when things are done properly… because even when you “fail”, you win the price of having tried and having learned… it is called "growth", and growing can never ever be considered a failure.

6. To every Saturday morning after the long runs, on which I felt like crap. Thank you for teaching me that to accomplish anything, one must feel fire on its heart. We cannot move a finger without having the willingness to do so. Moving forward requires an inner something… it is passion what makes us jump out of bed at 6 am. It is the passion and fire within that makes us finish things… “Do it with passion or don´t do it at all”.

7. To my boyfriend who joined me on the training process: thank you for teaching me what true support means. For eating the same thing over and over again just to be solidary with me. Thank you for pushing me to be better and better, for pushing me to give more. “Run more…” Those are words that echo in my mind every day. Now I live by them “give more…”. Thank you for making me feel that what I was doing mattered to somebody apart from myself. You made me feel important. I love you with all my heart.

8. To my brother, mother and father, who never truly understood why it was a good idea to run a marathon (I don´t blame them): thank you for supporting me regardless of how stupid this idea looked. From them I learned that true love is about ACCEPTING each other. They taught me that true love celebrates with the loved one, even when the reason for the celebration means “nothing” to them.

9. To my friends, for reminding me what I am capable of and, for making me believe in myself. Thank you for your words of support, they filled my heart and touched my soul.

After 5 hours and 8 minutes (yes I am a super slow runner), I crossed the finish line of what it was my first marathon. I crossed the line and put my head down, in complete state of humbleness. I made it... I ran 42.195 kilometers.

No, there´s no glory when you cross the finish line… No, I did not feel invincible. When I crossed the finish line, I could only think of the 9 lessons listed above (and trillions more). For me, the true glory can be found on every day on which each one of us go out there to run the race of life.

Run a marathon, but not for the medal or to cross the finish line. Run a marathon, because we all need 42.195 kilometers to uncover certain incredible things about life and about ourselves.

Run.

100  meters away from the finish line... yes, I am the one on pink shorts :)

Lluvias aisladas

En un mundo paralelo mi vida fue color de rosa y yo no conocí el dolor, el desamor, ni la decepción. En un mundo paralelo, yo jamás cometí errores y todas mis decisiones fueron acertadas, bien pensadas y bien evaluadas. En un mundo paralelo, mi comportamiento siempre siguió todos los protocolos  sociales, religiosos, amistosos, amorosos y más… en un mundo paralelo yo fui perfecta y permanecí intacta ante las tentaciones, la maldad, la codicia y otros. Pero no me tocó vivir una vida así, ese mundo paralelo no existió ni existirá para mí.  A mí me tocó una vida bendecida con altos y bajos, con amor y desamor, con estabilidad y crisis de todos tipos, con errores y aciertos. A mí, como a muchos, me tocó aprender a bailar en medio de tormentas (que para otros pudieran ser brisa suave) y por eso estoy agradecida… no sería ni la mitad de lo que soy sin esas tormentas, chubascos o huracanes.

Dicen que crianza es destino, pero a mí me gusta pensar que cada uno es responsable de sus propios actos… Tengo la certeza de que mis padres hicieron lo mejor que pudieron con lo que tuvieron y las estupideces que llegué a cometer en el pasado fueron sólo mías y en cierta medida, considero que cada error, cada punto bajo de mi vida me ayudó a abrir los ojos, me hizo crecer y me ayudó a amar la vida y Sus regalos de una manera más pura y genuina.

Hoy experimenté una lluvia aislada (no llegó ni a chubasco, pero como quiera cuenta)… fue de esas en las que aprendí a bailar, sin embargo, a mis 28 a pesar de lo experta que me puedo considerar en estos ambientes, tuve una mini crisis. Y es que, de vez en mes quiero que se acuerden que dentro de mí hay un ser frágil  e indefenso. Aunque por fuera puedo parecer fuerte y segura, como todos, tengo un punto vulnerable al  cuál algunos tienen acceso directo. Cuando se mete el dolor por ese huequito, activo mis estrategias y saco todas las máscaras de entereza y fortaleza que puedan existir, al fin que para eso soy un adulto ¿no? Pero hoy confieso que a veces quisiera poder romper a llorar y reclamar ¿por qué tenía que ser así? ¿No ven que en mi corazón sigo siendo una niña, buscando ser amada y reafirmada?... pero justo cuando el drama está tocando la puerta y mi lado oscuro quiere hacer de la lluvia aislada un huracán, recuerdo que soy más que eso. Lo bueno de mi vida, los aprendizajes, la paz del corazón, el amor, las bendiciones, las aventuras de vida y más, son mucho más que cualquier cosa negativa que pasa por mi camino… entonces, suavemente dejo que se desvanezcan esos momentos de crisis o fragilidad. Los pienso, los organizo en mi mente como un diagrama de flujo o un esquema de causa raíz y poco a poco, dejo ir el dolor, la vulnerabilidad, el temor o la duda.

Hay momentos que llegan destruyendo todo a su paso, derrumbando la esperanza y desestabilizando la fe… pero, como hemos aprendido en la vida, está en nuestras manos dejar que sean sólo eso: momentos, no realidades permanentes. La verdad es que, hay ciertas tormentas en las que no vale la pena quedarse. Como una vez me dijo mi psicólogo “ésta es una de esas situaciones en las que si te caíste: te levantas, sacudes el polvo de tus rodillas y tu ropa, y sigues adelante”.

No hay que abrazarnos a los momentos cargados con negatividad o emocionalidades desagradables… esos momentos hay que verlos llegar, observarlos, desmenuzarlos, organizarlos de la mejor manera que podamos, estudiarlos detenidamente y luego, suave y amorosamente déjalos ir…  hay que buscar, a toda costa, regresar a la paz del corazón.

Focus on the good. 

Sin más preámbulo: estoy enamorada

El año pasado, en varias ocasiones me dije a mí misma que no podría volver a amar, que no estaba hecha para eso y que muy seguramente no estaba llamada a la vida de pareja… esta idea no me mataba, porque afortunadamente, ya era muy feliz cuando caí  en la cuenta de que estar sin pareja podía ser una posibilidad de vida.

Dicho esto, la vida, Dios y sus planes son indescifrables y justo cuando más en paz estaba con la idea de estar conmigo misma, llego él… de la forma más inesperada y menos planeada. Un día de noviembre y luego de 10 años sin vernos, justo al acercarme a esa mesa él estaba ahí, perfecto, resplandeciente, tal como lo recordaba… con su luz intacta y más atractivo que nunca. Durante esa noche, yo jugaba en mi mente con los posibles motivos de esa coincidencia, pero no le di mayor importancia. Semanas después, perdí la cuenta de los mensajes enviados y de las llamadas sorpresivas recibidas. Meses después entré en la zona del amor sin mayor reparo y con gusto lo digo: estoy enamorada.

8 de Diciembre, la locura más grande… ir a su festejo de cumpleaños, sin haberlo visto después del encuentro fortuito en esa boda. Me invitó a su cena de cumpleaños a las 8:30 pm, y aunque parecía una locura ir al festejo de alguien con quién no había convivido en años, yo fui... imposible negarme a esa invitación, ¿qué podía salir mal? Confieso que dudé 20 veces si ir sería una buena idea, hoy confirmo que sí lo fue. Se construyó un bello puente ese día… él en un lado, yo en el otro, pero al fin con un camino trazado de por medio… el mundo de las posibilidades.

10 de Diciembre, nos vimos para platicar. Lo importante de este evento es que YO lo invité a él jaja pero he de decir que fue una buena idea, porque whats app jamás ha sido un buen medio de comunicación. En persona pudimos hacernos tres mil preguntas y detallar el pasado… ciertamente 3 horas no fueron suficientes para explicar lo acontecido en 10 años, pero al menos ya teníamos la certeza de que no éramos asesinos en serie, ni estábamos locos (bueno, tal vez un poco pero ¡qué importa!). Me fui a mi casa sin saber si le había “gustado” lo que había visto y escuchado de mi… Nerviosa y preguntándome si volvería a llamar, decidí agradecerle a la vida por esa noche. Para mí, ya el hecho de haber estado ahí con él ese día, había sido suficientemente especial… así que, lo que viniera después sería más como un regalo.

12 de Diciembre, fuimos a bailar y cupido hizo de las suyas. Llegamos al bar. Yo sabía que él bailaba   increíble, así que me puse mis mejores tacones, ropa cómoda pero sin perder el glamour (el poco que puedo o no tener jaja) y me vestí con la mejor de las actitudes. Empezó la música de salsa y me invitó a bailar… ¿qué puedo decir? iba apenas una canción y ¡yo ya me estaba enamorando! Tenía que venir el reggaetón, quería demostrarle que yo también tengo mis talentos de baile. ¡No viví en Puerto Rico en vano! Bendita noche. Bailamos salsa, reggaetón, cumbia, ranchera, texana, mariachi, de todo. Nos bastó una noche para atravesar el puente que se había construido días atrás y con ello, abrir las puertas de nuestro corazón. Nos bastaron 5 horas para sentir que podía haber algo más. Ese día nos despedimos sabiendo que cupido había flechado nuestros corazones… aún no sabíamos qué pasaría, pero ese día fue especial, ese día yo comencé a enamorarme.

Empezamos a vernos cada que podíamos… no había forma de detener las ganas de seguir descubriéndonos. Pasamos la mañana del 25 de Diciembre juntos… intercambiamos regalos, abrazos y el más profundo deseo de que el amor siguiera creciendo en nuestros corazones.

El destino no nos defraudó. A 3 meses de haber iniciado esta aventura, seguimos agradeciendo las coincidencias, los regalos del destino y Sus planes. No conocemos el futuro, pero el pasado que ya compartimos y el hermoso presente que vivimos, son en sí una gran bendición.

Luego de múltiples errores, fracasos y decepciones, quiero decir que entrar en el amor, pareciera ser el acto más estúpido y suicida que alguien pueda cometer… pero a mí me gusta pensar que es cuestión de coraje, valor y sobre todo, de fe. He trabajado los últimos años de mi vida en entender qué he hecho mal, en qué he fallado y pienso que cada día es una oportunidad para hacer las cosas diferentes y para hacerlas mejor. Cada día que él se despide con un beso, con un te quiero o un te amo, mi corazón experimenta alegría y miedo. Alegría porque no hay nada mejor que estar a su lado, y miedo porque cada día que pasa el amor crece, junto con las posibilidades de que mi corazón se rompa en mil pedazos… pero cuando esto pasa, cuando me abrazan los miedos, les pido que guarden silencio por unos instantes y entonces, uno a uno enlisto los aprendizajes que me han dejado las experiencias del pasado; conforme los voy enlistando, repaso mis cambios y reafirmo que esta vez soy diferente, soy mejor. Cuando mis miedos están en silencio, recuerdo que no voy sola, Dios me lleva de su mano. Considero que el miedo es normal, porque me siento vulnerable, pero para mí lo más importante es reconocer cuál es la fuente del miedo y entonces, confiar en que el amor de pareja, la guía de Dios y el trabajo personal de años, esta vez harán la diferencia.

"Ama sin medida, sin límite, sin complejo, sin permiso, sin coraje, sin consejo, sin duda, sin precio, sin cura, sin nada. No tengas miedo de amar..." Chavela Vargas. 

Will you write about me one day? | A delayed post from 2015, yet still current.

"Will you write about me one day?". Those were his words when we first started to see each other. Today, almost 3 months into this and after 13 years of knowing each other, I finally get to write about his beautiful heart and soul.

His name is Mario Azael, please ignore “Azael”, he hates that part of his name. He was born on December 8th of 1985, so he is 29 years old now. He has dark brown eyes, almost black. Not sure about his height specifically, but when I hug him I can put my head right on his chest, so I will say somewhere around 1.75-1.80 meters. Strong arms, enough to lift me up haha… he is fit, healthy and very handsome. He is an Engineer and he holds a Masters Degree on Marketing with a major on Finance. The youngest of 3 siblings. He has 1 nephew, which he loves to bits, he is his everything… he will be a great father, you can tell.

Mario is not just a regular guy with loads of potential… Mario is a gentleman on its finest definition. Let me tell you about some of his greatest qualities as a man and as a human being.

One: He has God in his heart. I have never met a guy so committed with God´s plans and so faithful to His love. Mario wants to spread God´s love and His word to as many people as possible… He believes faithfully that this is part of his mission on earth. I can only say he has done fantastically; every person that crosses his way, walks away with a bit of joy in their heart  <3.

Two: Mario understands and knows which are the important things about life… he just gets it. What he has gone through, what he has experienced and what he has felt, has made him more human, more sensible, kinder and wiser. For him, nothing is ever as important as family unity and peoples’ well being. For him, there is no lie, no fight and no mistake, greater than the love to the individuals close to his heart. I firmly believe that he is incredibly loved by the people around him, because he gives incredible love to them. One can only get what one gives.

Three: He is open… and when I say open I mean it in every possible way. He is open to learn new activities, regardless of how corny it may look. He is open to hear peoples’ side of their story… He has very strong ideas and opinions around certain topics in life, however, he seeks understanding and is always asking trillions of questions to understand you, to get you and therefore, to respect you. Is always a delight to talk to him, because you know that he truly listens and truly cares about what you are saying. He wants to respect you from an understanding approach, which is beautiful.

Four: He gives you his all. No matter if you are a friend, a cousin, a sister, a girl friend… if you walk into his life, he will give it all to you: his time, his attention, his love. Mario is that type of person who doesn´t give love in pieces… He gives it all, he proves you how important you are to him. He makes you feel you are worth.

He once asked me if I could write about him on this blog… well, here is the first one :). There are dozens of talents, gifts and qualities of him that I could write about, but I won´t share them all, otherwise he will end up with trillions of fans and, what would I do? Haha

This is Mario.... and if he ever crosses your way, make sure you stay around, you will walk away with more than what you arrived with, every time! :) 

Selfie del amor <3

P.S. Thank you for being you, thank you for letting me into your life, I feel blessed to walk by your side. All my love, Nanis.

No one judges me... except for myself.

Is during my solo conversations with God that I feel profoundly loved.

I guess I never knew what being truly judged was until God blessed my path with one of the most amazing persons on earth and for this lovely reason, every now and then I get scared and don't feel "enough". God has tested me with this, and I know I am weak, but I won't stumble. When I talk about being judged, I am not talking about "the people", because the people has shown me their love in so many beautiful ways... people I barely know has given me their support and love. When I talk about being judged, I talk about me judging myself. One of the wisest persons I have ever met once told me: "unlike yourself, I don't put tags on people... Or to say it better, I didn´t put a tag on you".

What is it with us, humans (or some of us), that we try to strive for perfection, when all we need to do is to BE the best version of ourselves (whatever that means). All we need to do is to love ourselves and the people around us... That's it, really!  But for some reason, we (or at least I) always find reasons not to feel enough.

I haven't found the formula for self forgiveness or limitless self love, and perhaps I shouldn't, otherwise I may end up being an arrogant... Nevertheless, every time I close my eyes and feel like I am not enough, I pray to the Lord for strenght, faith, wisdom and love... Every time I feel I am about to crumble, I look up for Him and on a blink of an eye, He is right there with me, healing my wounds and reminding me that we are all imperfect and that He loves us all, just the way we are... Every time I wonder "how did I get so lucky?" He replies back on His best way, showing me that for Him we are all exceptional creatures, worth the world in every possible way. I know Im not the first one to say this, but I cannot just NOT share it....  when I need to feel safe, secure and strong, all I need to do is turn my eyes, heart and soul to Jesus. Every time I feel like "the world" is against me (when in fairness, that "world" seems to be only me), I raise my hands and heart to Him and, like magic, He grants me the peace my heart needs.

I know God is always next to me, waiting for me to take His hand, and when I take it, not only does He makes me feel like I am not alone, but He reminds me that  when it comes to fighting my own demons and all my personal battles, He is more than just a cheerleader... He is my Coach, my trainer, my strenght, my source of power and more. I shall win all the battles, even if in this terrenal life they look like failures, I know I am winning them all, because when it comes to God, absolutely everything is part of His perfect plan.

Let His love and mercy remind me every day that we are all worth the same... No matter our past, no matter what we have done, we are all worth the world to His eyes, and we deserve the same kind of love. Let me be thankful for the angels He has sent to this earth to remind me what I am worth, who help me be the best I can be and as happy as I can be. On this special day, I am thankful for him, my favorite angel on earth <3, who not only reminds me every day what I am worth, but also shows me a world of love, joy and above all, hope...

Psalm 23 "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me..." 

An update on my pursuit of happiness: I can´t remember when I was sad the last time.

I can´t remember when I was sad the last time. That has to be good, right? :D

We sometimes get used to being sad or to have a plain and boring life, which is not wrong (we are free to choose how we want to live the life we are given)… about me? I have dedicated the last years of my life to fight each and every single day to be the person I want to be. This fight, which will never end until the day I die, has had positive results so far…

Today I am thankful for what I had experienced the last 28 years of my life, for they have made me who I am today… but I am especially thankful (and proud!) for the last year and a half. When I realized my life was not what I expected it to be, back in 2013, I made dramatic changes and almost felt like I was starting from scratch. I was trying to remember who I was, what I wanted from life and from the people around me… I started wondering about the things that truly made me happy, remembering my values and, who I truly was. This exercise was incredibly good… I did it all, all over again: dancing, painting, running, writing, traveling, reading, praying, walking, being on my own, being with complete strangers, being with my family, being with God… When I think of why is it that I can´t even remember the last time I was sad, all I can think of is that I was way too busy looking for happiness that I forgot what sadness looked like.

Exploring the world, its people, its places and activities, has given me happiness, peace of mind and a sense of being complete. Every activity I started, helped me find a small piece of who I am... Here are some of the things and gifts I found through each of the things I did to find myself and build my own happiness:

1. Through drawing and painting lessons, I learned that not everything is about being quick and efficient. Painting is an art that takes time, appreciation, attention to details and specially, it requires a soft side of you to be purely exposed… when you paint, you need to feel every movement of your hand and every emotion needs to be connected to your fingers and its fibers. I learned to be soft, gentle, and to observe…

2. Through dancing, I found the importance of self confidence… you need to believe in yourself! Someone who dances, say flamenco, without confidence, passion or fire will look just ridiculous! You need those elements to bring the dancing to life! And guess what? You need those elements to LIVE and ENJOY life!

3. Through writing, I learned to put out there all the emotions, sensations, feelings, moments and memories. When I write not only I organize my ideas, but sometimes I let the past go. In other instances, I write to make an emotion or a memory last forever… every time I read what I write, I reframe myself.

4. Through running, I prove myself that I can be better than what I think I am. I prove myself that there are no limits when you dedicate yourself fully to something. When you try, try and keep trying (training), you can only get better and better. Running for me is like living… at the beginning you can´t run 1 Km without feeling pain or getting injured badly, but once you start practicing and you learn the way, you just get better and faster! When I run I feel limitless and I know I can accomplish anything I want.

5. Through singing, I only scare people haha but who cares, it makes me happy… when I sing I feel every word and emotion of a particular song... Music takes me to a place of magic. When I sing, especially to God, I feel Him with me and I find that this can be a moment for us two…

6. Through travelling, I have learned to be open, tolerant and appreciative of what I have and humble about what I lack. When I travel, I meet incredible people who show me there´s a world out there, waiting for us! I have learned that I need to remain with my heart and mind open to see and perceive the greatness of this world and what it has to offer, such as beautiful and incredible people and amazing places! When I travel, I practice my true self and I let myself be… the more I practice it, the more real it becomes and the easier it gets to be who I am in my real world.

7. Through being with complete strangers, I learned that we all have a story to tell. The life we are given, which sometimes seems to be “hard”, turns out to be full of stars and joy when you learn from others´ journeys. When you listen, when you see and feel others, the doors of appreciation, understanding and care are opened. Every time you get to know a new person and actually open your heart to that individual (just for the sake of being human), you learn to love a bit more.

8. Through being with the ones I love (friends, family, coworkers), I have learned that there´s beautiful people who truly knows me and my heart… who are and will always be with me. True friends and family, lift you up. True friends and family, fill your heart with love and hope when your imperfect self becomes weak. They teach you how to love, to be thankful and to care…

9. Through praying I connect with God and any possible pain is healed… When I pray, God reminds me I am not alone and that there´s a plan being worked out for me… When I am alone, with God and his infinite love, I remember why it is all worth it. Being today here with Him, gives me hope and strength for a better and even happier future. When I close my eyes, I close them to the promise of a joyful tomorrow.

I am thankful for my past, for it has made me who I am.

I am thankful for my present, for it is full of blessings and happiness.

I am hopeful of the future, for it is full of opportunities to be the best I can be.

Thank you to those who have joined me in the journey of life… may God grant me time on earth to keep  fighting each and every day for my own happiness, and for the construction of a world on which love is the only rule.

Live. Love. Explore. Be thankful. Have courage.

A happy moment at the Golden Gate <3 15.11.14