I have been doing it all wrong

When I was a little girl, perhaps more like a teenager, I started wondering what makes a lady a “good” woman. I must admit that I did not have the best role model at home, and not because my mother wasn’t good enough, she has always been a lovely and beautiful person, but I remember that my parents were not the best couple on earth, which caused confusion in my mind. This confusion led me to numerous questions around how good one can or should be, to become “a good prospect” for a good guy (to then build a happy family, yes yes the fairy tales, blame Disney ha!).

By the age of 14 I thought I had it all figured out… Back then, I created a list of characteristics and a full definition of a proper lady. This list had elements such as:

   •  Good girls never wear provocative clothes

   •  Good girls are religious

   •  Good girls are smart but never smarter than guys

   •  Good girls always say yes

   •  Good girls always smile

   •  Good girls cook well

   •  Good girls work out

   •  And many maaany more …

As I am a very committed person, back then I started acting each and every item of my list… I practiced every single day, until one day I think I became the person of my list. I then met a guy, who latter became my long term boyfriend, who by the way wasn’t the best person on earth, I mean he was there all the time and we were trying to build a true love relationship but it never really worked out. It wasn´t until we broke up that I started asking myself “how did my perfect plan fail?”… I mean I was this “good” person and a “proper lady”… How did I do wrong and chose the wrong guy? For many months I blamed him for being the “bad” one of the story…  I kept thinking like that, until I realized I was failing in this area, over and over again.  I failed so bad that I even “picked” the wrong husband. It was right at that moment of massive screwup that I realized I was doing it all wrong…. I did it wrong all the time, it was me, not them.

It took me 27 years to learn that one cannot pretend to be someone who you are not… That game can only last for so long and the issue with that is that, not only will this ruin your happiness, but you will also make very veeery stupid decisions. How on earth could I choose the person to walk life with, if I did not even know who I truly was? I could not expect to build a family, when I was not capable of building myself. The past is definitely in the past, but it was evident that I needed to change, from scratch.

I have done a deep analysis on my mistakes and also, I have observed successful close friends, to understand the keys to true and endless love (as if there were  many hehe). I truly believe that there are no recipes for true love, but a few things have been appearing consistently between the great benchmarks I have done with my friends and the analysis of my epic massive fails.

In two words: STOP PRETENDING. You need to be yourself, and to make this happen, you need to give yourself time to get to know you. Getting to know yourself is hard, because you realize how massively imperfect you are, but that process of getting to know you will come accompanied with lovely benefits, such as: tolerance, understanding, openness, appreciation and the best of all, it will give you the opportunity to love yourself. And this one is the ONE thing on which I have failed badly. Accepting who I am, without concerns of how it may look like from the outside, has been the key to my present happiness. Hearing my inner voice and driving my life in the way that I always truly dreamed of, has been the reason for my smiles and enthusiasm. For so long I looked out there, for what was always IN me <3. Self love is different from being selfish or egocentric, because when you truly love yourself in a healthy way, the outside counts too…Is from this self love that I have been able to appreciate and value what I have and above all, I have been able to value the people that join me in the walk of life. Is thanks to this self love that I have learned to prioritize the people around me, and not in a bad way but in a very good one… what I mean is that now I know to whom I love the most and I dedicate all my efforts and time to them, because they make me happy and I want to make them happy too. It is from self-love that true peace, balance and mindfulness come from. One must stay truthful to itself and be congruent in life, and good things will get in our way… otherwise, our lives will be just a spiral of mistakes, pretensions and dishonest behaviors.

I have learned that I need to stop trying too hard… Not that I need to give up on love, but I need to know that love cannot be forced. The right person will come along and, because my heart and mind are ready (or will be ready at some point), I will be able to actually SEE that person and that person will honestly and transparently SEE me. Additionally, this self love will allow me to identify the things I have “missed” in the past... I should be able to get to know that person in a much more honest way, and that person should be able to meet me as I am, without sudden “surprises”.

I may be all wrong here, again (it would not surprise me haha) but one thing I know: if you don´t fully love yourself, you can´t honestly love anyone else. In the way that I continue to love who I am, I will continue protecting my heart and to others. In the same extent that I keep valuing and respecting myself, I will value and respect others too.

Surely, I am missing around 3 million keys for pure and endless love, but I am sure this is the base for it.

Fall in love... with yourself. Happiness lies within <3

P.S. This one goes for you Raquel... you are a true inspiration.

Mi más grande miedo (aparte de morir)

A veces me pregunto si me quedaré sola para siempre… Estoy segura de que no soy la única que se cuestiona estas cosas, o al menos eso quiero pensar jaja

Hablar del miedo a quedarme “sola” es algo que ya se hizo parte de mis charlas semanales con mis mejores amigas. La verdad, me imagino que ha de ser muy cansado para ellas escucharme decir una y otra y otra vez “wey, ¿tú crees que me quede sola?”, pero mis amigas son las mejores amigas del planeta, porque siempre me escuchan hablar de lo mismo, como si fuera la primera vez (lucky me!).

Sin temor a ridiculizarme, confieso que estas dudas y temores sobre el amor, la vida en pareja y mi futuro en este ámbito, pasan por mi mente de vez en mes. Hoy fue uno de esos días en los que me levanté pensando: “will I ever be loved by a man, again?”… y sí, me lo pregunté en inglés, solo Dios ha de saber por qué. De forma extraña (o tal vez he de decir “de forma humana”), a pesar del gran trabajo que he hecho este año para estar en paz conmigo misma y ser plenamente feliz on my own,  en momentos el miedo a estar sola me invade y siento que jamás podré ser lo suficiente para ser amada de nuevo. No intento hacerme la víctima, sinceramente en ocasiones me fastidia que estos pensamientos vengan a mi mente, pero he  llegado a aceptar el hecho de que soy humana y por más “bien” que esté conmigo misma, es normal de pronto sentirme “sola” o con un miedo paralizante de no ser digna de ser amada. Cuando hablo de no ser amada, me refiero al más puro sentido romántico de la palabra… ese amor de pareja que uno vive y siente en cada poro… el amor que se construye en cada mirada, en cada detalle, en cada plática e incluso en cada pelea. Yo sé que soy inmensamente amada por la gente que me rodea y yo los amo también, con cada pedacito de mi ser, pero por algunas razones humanas conscientes e inconscientes, de pronto me inundan los pensamientos de que nadie me va a encontrar lo suficientemente adecuada como para ser su compañera de vida.

Si algo he aprendido este último año es a ser yo misma, sin pretensiones, máscaras o falsedades, y eso me enorgullece, porque en esta libertad he encontrado mucha felicidad… pero hay algo de esta libertad que me aterroriza, cuando de amor se trata… me lleno de preguntas… ¿Podrá alguien aceptarme así como soy? ¿Soy lo suficientemente atractiva? ¿Y si mejor soy un poco más convencional?  ¿Y si soy demasiado extraña? No sé si te haya pasado, pero en muchas ocasiones, cuando volteo a mi alrededor y veo que no “encajo”, entonces me pasa lo que me pasó esta mañana… me veo en el espejo y me pregunto: “will I ever be loved by a man, again?”.

Sé que son preguntas sin respuestas absolutas…. Sé que debo seguir siendo yo misma, buscando la felicidad en cada una de las cosas que hago y vivo. No me queda duda que soy bendecida por tener las amigas que tengo, por tener la familia que tengo, por trabajar en lo que amo y estar en el lugar que estoy… Me encanta poder hacer y deshacer con mi vida… amo viajar, conocer gente nueva, tener citas conmigo misma, hacer planes para luego deshacerlos, ponerme metas muy altas y trazar planes a 20 años… Amo mi vida y estoy enteramente agradecida por ella… pero aún así, aún con todo eso, me pregunto si algún día podré reírme de mi misma por pensar que, tal vez, el amor no era para mí.

My birthday project

On November 15th I celebrated my 28th birthday. I was in San Francisco on my own, so I decided to ask the world for some love, to make it a happy day :). I made a plan about how I was going to make it happen, which basically consisted on going out on the streets and asking random people for a hug, a picture or just a "happy birthday".  Did I follow the plan? Yes! Here are the results of what happened. Let me tell you in advance, what I experienced has been the most amazing experience of my life. It only took me some courage to get started, the rest were just beautiful moments.

It all started as a random idea during a chat with my best friend, a couple days before my trip to San Francisco. On the Saturday before my trip, we went out and did a mini test by telling a random guy about my project and asking him to take a picture with me. To my surprise he said yes!! So, with this I thought: "perhaps this could actually be a good idea". He not only said happy birthday, but had the kindness of encouraging me to really follow my plan.Thanks to Johannes, I got the courage of moving forward with the "birthday" project. This is Johannes!

In San Francisco, on my birthday, I left my room around 9:30 am and as soon as I got out the door, I saw a beautiful and sweet lady, who happened to be a worker from the hotel. So I put my self conciousness away and as planned, explained to her that it was my birthday and as if we were best friends, I asked for a hug... To my surprise, just like Johaness, she gave me the sweetest smile and in two seconds she was already giving me the hug. I knew, thanks to her, that it was going to be an amazing day! 

As I was walking out of the hotel, I saw the bell man. It is important to mention that on previous days, this amazing guy always offered me a smile, and on my birthday it was not the exception. I didn't think it twice and said "today is my birthday, could I get a hug?" To which he replied: "of course you can, we are humans and we all have a heart!". He gave me the warmest hug ever! 

As I took the streets of San Francisco, I saw a lovely family  on the street... They were selling newspapers. I stopped, looked at the mom and asked her "if I buy one, could I also get a hug? It's my birthday". She immediately put a smile on her face and asked the whole family to give me a hug. Picture this, 4 people hugging me in the middle of the busy streets of San Francisco. So I got a family hug from her and her 3 beautiful children :D. The moment was so lovely that 2 police officers stopped by and gave me a hug as well! I was 30 mins into my "birthday" project, and I already had  8 hugs! Amazing how love is out there, just waiting for us to ask for it! 

I kept walking and saw two homeless guys. I have heard that these guys tend to be very loving and caring, so without hesitation I told them it was my birthday and that I was collecting some hugs and love from people. Their reaction was by far the most incredible experience of my life. One of them gave me a massive hug and said "I am going to give You a gift, for your birthday", so he took out of his pocket 2 hand made rings and gave them to me. There I was, getting 2 gifts from a guy who has "nothing". I was not only receiving pure and genuine love, but a life lesson... 

After the amazing experience with these guys, I decided to make a stop for coffee. At the local coffee shop the barista said "happy birthday" and gave me a happy cup :).

I then headed to the Palace of Fine arts, where I met a Colombian family. Not only did they take a picture with me, but gave me their contact details to visit them in Colombia! :D Isn't that amazing?

While I was at the Palace of Fine Arts, I met with a friend I made during the tour to Alcatraz. Out of over 100 people on the tour, we were the only ones traveling solo haha so we made a team of two and explored jail together. On the morning of my birthday we exchanged some e-mails and met at the Palace of Fine Arts to then walk to the Golden Gate and have this amazing experience together. This is Jon, the amazing guy from Pennsylvania who said happy birthday, took a picture with me and joined me for half a day on my birthday! Again, amazing how people has so much love to offer!

It was 7:40 pm and I honestly thought my project was over... I mean, I received so so much from random people that I could not ask for more... But life is a box full of surprises! As I headed back to the hotel, I decided to make a stop at a bar... After all, it was my birthday and I deserved a drink :). So I asked the bar tender for a cosmo and said "please make it special, its my birthday", to which he laughed. It didn't take long for the guy sitting close to me to say "I am sorry, I over heard its your birthday, Let me get your drink... No one should pay for its own drink on its birthday". This move was followed by a -thank you- hug and many laughs, as the guy spoke some Spanish and started explaining how he was going to share the story with his wife. I didn't get a picture with this amazing guy, but he surely made my night! During the chat, another nice man joined the conversation and said happy birthday as well :).

Not only this was a fantastic experience, but the best birthday I have ever had. Apart from collecting many hugs, love and even gifts, I received the lesson of my life: love is out there in every single person that crosses our way, we just need to be open to receive it or ask for it and sometimes (perhaps most of the times) those with less are the ones that give more :)

Thanks to those who made my birthday a beautiful day, full of love and amazing surprises.

Give love. Be thankful. Appreciate.

God's forgiveness

It took me a year to gather the strength and have the courage to finally start the religious annulment process. Once you think you are fully over a situation or a person, life reminds you that absolutely every piece of your existence is kept somehow in your memory and in a very particular way, triggered by God knows what, you are able to experience each and every  sensation, all over again!

Sunday morning was the day I picked to finally fill the papers. I have had them for weeks and really, I just needed to "man up" to be done with it. On this day I chose a different coffee place (not the usual sbux), as I needed to be an unknown while filling the papers. I got a latte, which by the way had a beautiful heart on the foam (lovely barista, he made my day!). Took the papers out of the folder, and in a very 1990s style (because I was actually using a pen!), I started to answer the first question: my full name. Interesting how church takes forever to evolve! We are on the digital era and there I was, with pen and paper in hand. To be very honest, I can't imagine filling the annulment forms online (so distant and impersonal). I guess  there's an intimate touch when done by hand... Somehow seeing your own writing on a paper makes it more real. I finished writing my name and needed to move to the "called party" and that's when I couldn't help the tears. I almost felt ashamed of crying, I mean they were just asking for his name and I cried! Am I really this weak? I mean, this guy doesn't give a damn about me, it's been more than a year, we have never spoken again... Why on earth  was I crying? Of course thinking of him made me cry, but a part of me truly believes that somehow in my heart, I have the perception that this "legal" religious process, which I am about to face, is with God... I am asking God, through my church, to tell me if I can be forgiven... How NOT to cry??!! Who are we, man, to judge each other when it comes to faith? Who are we, man, to decide if another man deserves a second chance or not? Then what if they say no? What if my marriage was real and I won't have a second chance? What will I do? Will that mean I will be forever punished for my mistakes?

So here I am, looking for a document on earth which finally proves I did the right thing. A paper that says I am not a failure. A paper that states I am a good catholic and I did all I could to save my marriage. I want them to validate my actions. I want them to tell me that I won't be forever punished for my sins and mistakes. A paper that tells me I am free to love again. Is almost as if I need a document that states I am not as bad as I sometimes think I am.

I am not sure if I am doing this because I deserve a second chance or to wash my guilt and sins. 

Funny how immature our faith can  be... And extremely interesting how after a year of therapy, I still (every now and then) act my "old" patterns. I am a completely imperfect human, but that´s ok, I am learning to live every day.

On my sane hours I truly believe God has forgiven me already and in his endless love, he doesn't judge me. Is during those hours that I strongly believe I deserve to love and be loved again... We all do :)

The day he let me go

November 14th, 5 am... The alarm of my phone went off. I didn't even take the time to think about the importance of the day... I did my bed, took a shower, put my travel clothes on and grabbed my backpack. My London parents were already up, waiting for me at the door of what it was my room for a month. Dad gave me a massive hug and wished me well... He loved me so much, I could feel how much he wanted me to be better, happier. Mara, whom I called mum for a month too, joined me on the taxi to the airport... I could have never dreamed of better adoptive parents as them... They took care of me for a month, in absolutely every possible way, they were my angels on earth.

5:30, the taxi arrived... There I was, with my heart broken in pieces, but full of hope and courage. I had 4 big bags with me... Funny how you think you have so much and suddenly your whole life (or a portion of it) fits in 4 suitcases. I joked many times with my mum about all the things that I needed to leave behind (because I didn't have a place to keep them), telling her "I took my dignity with me, and that's all that matters". The journey to the airport felt like an eternity, I said good bye to every corner we passed by... There it was, the beautiful London, its magic and energy. A wise friend once said "the British dream is not for everyone", and she was right...

We got to the airport and went directly to the American Airlines desks, to do my check in... I did this trip so many times and seemed impossible to me to think that I was never going to be back again. I looked at my phone trillions of times hoping he will text me, hoping and praying for him to give me a "sign" of his love. He knew I was leaving that day, I was almost certain he knew about my flight, and all I could do was hope he will realize how "stupid" it was to let me go. 

I finished my check in... Mara was there all the time, she gave me her support and joked in the very best way she could do, to keep my spirit up. We went for some coffee as it was way too early for my flight, but if you have been in London, you know what traffic is like at peak times. I had a latte, from Costa; I knew it was going to be my last one, as there are no shops in Mexico nor in the US. We had a laugh, we remembered the good times, we cried a bit and then it was time to go... Mara and I walked to the security gate and said our goodbyes... I never felt so damn sad in my whole life. I was going to leave my dreams behind, my marriage, my hopes, the life I builded with so much effort, love and care... I was going to leave my heart behind... Mara stood there, waving at me, with a beautiful smile, I could feel her love... 

I need to make a confession today, that day I looked back over a hundred times, on the hope that he could appear out of nowhere with flowers, saying how much he loved me.... Asking me not to leave... but that didn´t happen. So I cried, I cried with a pain that I didn't know before, because I knew once Security screening was over, it was all going to be over for us as well.... I took my lap top out of my bag for screening; I then took my scarf off and tears were just coming out... Every tear was a dream broken, a piece of my heart bleeding... I felt worthless... Worthless, because he was not there to fight for me. I tried looking back again, searching for his face, yet he was not there. Security was over... we were over... It took me about 5 minutes to realize that I needed to stop crying. It just took me 5 minutes to understand  that I needed to stand up, have courage and keep my head up. I was not going to let this kill me. Yes, he let me go, but I was not going to stumble. Yes, he let me go, but I had so many people that truly loved me and for that I was thankful. Yes, he let me go, but I had me and I was not alone...

When I got on that plane, not even one tear came out of my eyes... All I did was pray; I prayed to God for a second chance, I begged for another shot in life.. "Just let me get there, let me get home, and I will do it better this time, I promise..."

After 18 hours, I got home... God gave me another chance.

The day he let me go, life welcomed me, again.

Every day is a gift and we should  do absolutely everything we can to pay back for this gift.

Dream. Live. Have courage. Be thankful. 

Picture taken on my flight back home :)

My best friend's wedding (ish)

Today one of my best friends is getting married... He is not my best friend, but to be honest I couldn't find a better title for this post haha

I met him a while ago, I can't truly remember the specific date... I am certain that he remembers absolutely every detail of that day, and not necessarily because it had something special, is just that he has an incredible memory.

I was lucky to meet him almost by accident... Before we became true friends I always thought he was quite weird and special in a good way, and I was right. When I had the chance to actually interact with him I discovered a world of wonders in his mind... "Life is chaos" he used to say (and still says), and he was so right. He taught me that life is an accumulation of experiences, accidents, moments, choices.. And that one can only do as much to be "in control", which for him doesn't truly exists. I have never met someone as genuine as he is.... A pure heart, a bright and a bit twisted mind, along with a fantastic heavy sense of humor. He walked right next to me when I didn't even know what walking was... He listened to my nonsense for hours and made me remember who I was when I was beyond lost. He was and still is, the true definition of a great friend.

Today he is getting married, and I couldn't be happier for him. I think everyone deserves a happy life, a beautiful ending that leads to an amazing beginning, absolutely everyone deserves that... but he, he not only deserves a happy life, but a life full of magic, endless love and beautiful surprises... Because the world needs to be fair with those who give more; the world needs to give back more to those who forget about themselves for a moment to help others find some love and who they are in the journey of life. 

Today I am thankful with the world, with God and life, for giving me the honor of being his friend. Today I not only wish him well, I wish him a fantastic marriage and a love that never ends... My friend and his beautiful wife, deserve the world. May God grant them the gift of a happy ever after.

Congratulations on your wedding.

Being on your own doesn't mean you are alone

I never knew what being completely on my own was, up until now... I guess I have been alone many times; I have been even without myself, but now is different, I am on my own... and it feels good.

I am only 27, almost 28, and since I was 13 I have had boys in my mind, boys around me... I guess it was a success indicator, culturally speaking (being socially "nice" or "pretty"). Don't get me wrong, I didn't date them all, but it always made me feel "somebody" to know that someone liked who I "was" (or what they thought I was). And it felt good, actually I enjoyed every date, every butterfly in my stomach, every emotion running through my body, every letter and even the simplest hello from someone who I knew felt "something" for me. So since I was very young, I "needed" to be validated by others, it was easier than validating myself, I guess?

I have had 2 major relationships in my life... I dated a guy for 8 years and I honestly thought he was the love of my life. I mean after 8 years all is left to think is "this is it" right? All that I was, all that I believed in, was framed and shaped by our relationship. I basically grew up with him... He was there through all my typical stupid "girl" issues; he was there when I decided that I didn't want to be me any more; he was there with me when I lost my Grandad; he was there when I broke up with him, and there he was even when I decided that I wanted to be with him again (and this happened many times). He was there when I decided I wanted to dance salsa, then when I decided I wanted to play football, and yet again, he was there when I decided to marry him, but then I walked away, as I always did. This guy was really there, all the time! He truly made me happy and knew me so well... I mean we went through all the possible changes someone can experience as a high-school student, a college graduate and then as a professional. One day, I woke up and after evaluating our relationship, I decided that we were not meant to be together. There were definitely mistakes he made that made me feel like I needed to walk away, but that´s not the reason I am writing now :). All I am saying is that this has been the most meaningful relationship I have ever been in.
After we broke up I tried very hard to understand what went wrong, the mistakes I made and I promised myself that next time I was going to do it better. A heart broken always opens our eyes and soul to reality and forces us to grow up and form some tick skin, which is always good... After this, I was feeling more like a woman and I thought my love lesson in life was over... Well, it wasn't, little I knew that by the age of 24 you can barely know what the word love means.
So, I walked away from this guy and it took me a while to get "over" him, but I was never alone... I didn't date anyone properly for a while but I always had someone to talk to, someone who could make me feel that I was special and as a consequence, made me think the "right" person was going to arrive One day, for sure One day... I mean, why not? I was socially "nice and pretty"... I always thought, "I am going to be ready for Mr. Right, I hold a masters degree on Love" (I was not even close).
Months passed by and I met Who then became my husband. After being in such a long relationship, my ex husband Who is a successful English man, seemed to be the perfect guy... And some how, he was! full of compliments, surprises, gifts, nice words. He played the piano for me, traveled thousands of miles to meet me every month... He showed me so many worlds that I didn't know... Everything from driving on the wrong side of the Road, a very nice meal, to extremely luxurious hotels. For him there were no impossibles, no limits, no dream was big enough. Being a very self-conscious person, he was all I could dream of... Someone confident, successful, funny, sweet... Yet, after a year of marriage, our worlds clashed and it all came to an end. I walked away, again.
After this massive break up I felt like the biggest fail in the world. I Honestly thought he was the one! When we were together I could picture us growing old. I even dreamed of our kids having the latino/white mix, possibly with blue eyes like his'. I guess nothing is written in Stone and some how I went through another love lesson... And Honestly, this One felt like a full PhD, but I truly needed it, I somehow needed to go through that to realize how little I knew about life, about love, about the world, and about my self... To be honest I still have millions of things to learn and discover, but at least now I know this and I even doubt of what I think I know. (Is a good start, I guess?)
Thanks to my PhD in love (or heart break), I learned one of the biggest lessons of my life: when you force your self (or life forces you) to be truly alone, when you only have you to count with and you can only have your inner love to lift you (and God's if you believe in Him), that's when you realize of how small you were when you were trying to find yourself (and love, reassurance, etc) in others... That´s when you realize that you can be bigger and better, for you and for the world, if you truly have yourself and if you believe in who you are (even if who you are is an extremely imperfect person). Knowing that you can count with yourself and that being on your own doesn't mean being alone, some how gives you hope... Or at least it gave me hope.

It's been a year since the event happened, and perhaps is not a lot, but for me this year has felt like an eternity. Its the first time in my life that I am on my own, without feeling alone. Is the first time I think that as much as I would like to "find" someone, I need to stop searching for it. Part of me thinks that this lack of interest in "looking" comes from my fears, however I am more inclined to think that this is due to the need of being with myself and making time to dream, to set up professional and personal objectives... I want to believe I just want to be with me and be, whatever that means.

Only time will tell if I have made right or stupidly wrong with my life... All I can say today is that in every decision I have made, I have listened to my heart, and I believe on what Steve Jobs once said, "[our] heart and intuition [...] somehow already know what [we] truly want to become."

I am ready for the next chapter of my life, which I am already writing, Let's see what time and life brings.

Dare to be... Whatever that is, whatever that means.