The battle against bulimia

50 kilograms, my weight this morning. 

I had bulimia for over 7 years… let me say it better, I hated my body for over 7 years and I did absolutely everything I could to lose weight. Vomiting was just one of the many things I did to keep myself from being overweight. Sometimes I did not eat, some others I used laxatives, some others I vomited and put it on a weight to make sure I was vomiting all I ate.

Seems too crazy to remember the times when my mind was so busy wondering how fat my ass looked on a pair of jeans… or how big my belly could look on a specific dress. Funny how I did not realize how damaged my face was from forcing the vomit. When I look to those 2007 pictures, you can tell from my face that something was not right…

Full boxes of cereal… gone in minutes.
Vomit on bags, which I weighted afterwards.
Hands shaking and body trembling from the compulsion of eating… from the battle in my head “eat” “don´t eat” “eat and vomit” “don´t eat”...
Looking myself in a mirror and repeating “you look ugly” “you look overweight” “you look disgusting”

2007 was the year when things got out of control. I was vomiting way too often and my mind was all over the place. My throat was in pain and so was my stomach… my mouth was all sore and myself image was on the floor.

A few angels walked into my life and gave me their support... they showed me the way. I was away from home but a family was given to me. With Tati, Karla, Marusi, Sepideh, Luz and Lupita, my heart underwent a recovery process. They cooked for me, they gave me their love (without judgment), They filled me with compliments and they respected who I was, despite me being a bit weird. They made me realize that I needed professional support to get over my image issues and specially, to protect my body from more damage. So let me say this one more time: they gave me their love and support, without judgment.

Pato, a great friend to which I will be forever thankful, was the one who took me to therapy and walked me into what was the most incredible rehab journey. From 2007 to 2009 I was in rehab with girls my age. We were all trying to leave this monster behind. It was incredible to see these amazingly beautiful girls seeing themselves as ugly. On every group session I was able to learn from my rehab partners the following: we all vomit our fears, our anxieties and we put in our image all those things that we hate from ourselves and our lives. Bulimia is more than just an “I want to be thin” thing. As rehab passed by, I started to identify the items of my life and of myself that I was trying to control and resolve, through my eating and self image issues.

It is all in our heads… Accepting myself was key to start loving not only my body, but my life overall. Getting over bulimia was just a step towards my self love and acceptation. The battle with food was over, but not the battle with my internal demons.

Here is my advice to you.

1. If you have eating and image issues, look for help. There´s a way out. There´s a happy tomorrow.

2. If you have friends or family with eating and image issues, give them all the love you can… is through love and ONLY LOVE, that you will gain their trust… they will open their hearts to you and once you get there, you will be able to take them to safe harbor, through professional support.

3. After the love and support from your loved ones, Rehab/Therapy is the key for your wellness. Gifts of rehab: accepting yourself, knowing yourself, loving yourself, controlling yourself, enjoying yourself :D and lastly, enabling you to prevent and control any possible relapse.

This past week I felt ugly and overweight. This was one of those times on which I was just being stupid and just needed to tell my demons: GO AWAY, FUCK OFF.  :D . Today I am wearing the tightest jeans I have and I am repeating to myself: you look amazing.

To my fellow rehabilitated friends, a  reminder: You are now able to fight this battle on your own… be prepared, for our demons always find a way back home. Be confident of what you have accomplished… every time your demons knock the door,  just say: I am not available for you anymore.

Stay healthy. Love yourself. Be always prepared. Don´t lose focus. God´s on your side.