God's forgiveness

It took me a year to gather the strength and have the courage to finally start the religious annulment process. Once you think you are fully over a situation or a person, life reminds you that absolutely every piece of your existence is kept somehow in your memory and in a very particular way, triggered by God knows what, you are able to experience each and every  sensation, all over again!

Sunday morning was the day I picked to finally fill the papers. I have had them for weeks and really, I just needed to "man up" to be done with it. On this day I chose a different coffee place (not the usual sbux), as I needed to be an unknown while filling the papers. I got a latte, which by the way had a beautiful heart on the foam (lovely barista, he made my day!). Took the papers out of the folder, and in a very 1990s style (because I was actually using a pen!), I started to answer the first question: my full name. Interesting how church takes forever to evolve! We are on the digital era and there I was, with pen and paper in hand. To be very honest, I can't imagine filling the annulment forms online (so distant and impersonal). I guess  there's an intimate touch when done by hand... Somehow seeing your own writing on a paper makes it more real. I finished writing my name and needed to move to the "called party" and that's when I couldn't help the tears. I almost felt ashamed of crying, I mean they were just asking for his name and I cried! Am I really this weak? I mean, this guy doesn't give a damn about me, it's been more than a year, we have never spoken again... Why on earth  was I crying? Of course thinking of him made me cry, but a part of me truly believes that somehow in my heart, I have the perception that this "legal" religious process, which I am about to face, is with God... I am asking God, through my church, to tell me if I can be forgiven... How NOT to cry??!! Who are we, man, to judge each other when it comes to faith? Who are we, man, to decide if another man deserves a second chance or not? Then what if they say no? What if my marriage was real and I won't have a second chance? What will I do? Will that mean I will be forever punished for my mistakes?

So here I am, looking for a document on earth which finally proves I did the right thing. A paper that says I am not a failure. A paper that states I am a good catholic and I did all I could to save my marriage. I want them to validate my actions. I want them to tell me that I won't be forever punished for my sins and mistakes. A paper that tells me I am free to love again. Is almost as if I need a document that states I am not as bad as I sometimes think I am.

I am not sure if I am doing this because I deserve a second chance or to wash my guilt and sins. 

Funny how immature our faith can  be... And extremely interesting how after a year of therapy, I still (every now and then) act my "old" patterns. I am a completely imperfect human, but that´s ok, I am learning to live every day.

On my sane hours I truly believe God has forgiven me already and in his endless love, he doesn't judge me. Is during those hours that I strongly believe I deserve to love and be loved again... We all do :)