Being on your own doesn't mean you are alone

I never knew what being completely on my own was, up until now... I guess I have been alone many times; I have been even without myself, but now is different, I am on my own... and it feels good.

I am only 27, almost 28, and since I was 13 I have had boys in my mind, boys around me... I guess it was a success indicator, culturally speaking (being socially "nice" or "pretty"). Don't get me wrong, I didn't date them all, but it always made me feel "somebody" to know that someone liked who I "was" (or what they thought I was). And it felt good, actually I enjoyed every date, every butterfly in my stomach, every emotion running through my body, every letter and even the simplest hello from someone who I knew felt "something" for me. So since I was very young, I "needed" to be validated by others, it was easier than validating myself, I guess?

I have had 2 major relationships in my life... I dated a guy for 8 years and I honestly thought he was the love of my life. I mean after 8 years all is left to think is "this is it" right? All that I was, all that I believed in, was framed and shaped by our relationship. I basically grew up with him... He was there through all my typical stupid "girl" issues; he was there when I decided that I didn't want to be me any more; he was there with me when I lost my Grandad; he was there when I broke up with him, and there he was even when I decided that I wanted to be with him again (and this happened many times). He was there when I decided I wanted to dance salsa, then when I decided I wanted to play football, and yet again, he was there when I decided to marry him, but then I walked away, as I always did. This guy was really there, all the time! He truly made me happy and knew me so well... I mean we went through all the possible changes someone can experience as a high-school student, a college graduate and then as a professional. One day, I woke up and after evaluating our relationship, I decided that we were not meant to be together. There were definitely mistakes he made that made me feel like I needed to walk away, but that´s not the reason I am writing now :). All I am saying is that this has been the most meaningful relationship I have ever been in.
After we broke up I tried very hard to understand what went wrong, the mistakes I made and I promised myself that next time I was going to do it better. A heart broken always opens our eyes and soul to reality and forces us to grow up and form some tick skin, which is always good... After this, I was feeling more like a woman and I thought my love lesson in life was over... Well, it wasn't, little I knew that by the age of 24 you can barely know what the word love means.
So, I walked away from this guy and it took me a while to get "over" him, but I was never alone... I didn't date anyone properly for a while but I always had someone to talk to, someone who could make me feel that I was special and as a consequence, made me think the "right" person was going to arrive One day, for sure One day... I mean, why not? I was socially "nice and pretty"... I always thought, "I am going to be ready for Mr. Right, I hold a masters degree on Love" (I was not even close).
Months passed by and I met Who then became my husband. After being in such a long relationship, my ex husband Who is a successful English man, seemed to be the perfect guy... And some how, he was! full of compliments, surprises, gifts, nice words. He played the piano for me, traveled thousands of miles to meet me every month... He showed me so many worlds that I didn't know... Everything from driving on the wrong side of the Road, a very nice meal, to extremely luxurious hotels. For him there were no impossibles, no limits, no dream was big enough. Being a very self-conscious person, he was all I could dream of... Someone confident, successful, funny, sweet... Yet, after a year of marriage, our worlds clashed and it all came to an end. I walked away, again.
After this massive break up I felt like the biggest fail in the world. I Honestly thought he was the one! When we were together I could picture us growing old. I even dreamed of our kids having the latino/white mix, possibly with blue eyes like his'. I guess nothing is written in Stone and some how I went through another love lesson... And Honestly, this One felt like a full PhD, but I truly needed it, I somehow needed to go through that to realize how little I knew about life, about love, about the world, and about my self... To be honest I still have millions of things to learn and discover, but at least now I know this and I even doubt of what I think I know. (Is a good start, I guess?)
Thanks to my PhD in love (or heart break), I learned one of the biggest lessons of my life: when you force your self (or life forces you) to be truly alone, when you only have you to count with and you can only have your inner love to lift you (and God's if you believe in Him), that's when you realize of how small you were when you were trying to find yourself (and love, reassurance, etc) in others... That´s when you realize that you can be bigger and better, for you and for the world, if you truly have yourself and if you believe in who you are (even if who you are is an extremely imperfect person). Knowing that you can count with yourself and that being on your own doesn't mean being alone, some how gives you hope... Or at least it gave me hope.

It's been a year since the event happened, and perhaps is not a lot, but for me this year has felt like an eternity. Its the first time in my life that I am on my own, without feeling alone. Is the first time I think that as much as I would like to "find" someone, I need to stop searching for it. Part of me thinks that this lack of interest in "looking" comes from my fears, however I am more inclined to think that this is due to the need of being with myself and making time to dream, to set up professional and personal objectives... I want to believe I just want to be with me and be, whatever that means.

Only time will tell if I have made right or stupidly wrong with my life... All I can say today is that in every decision I have made, I have listened to my heart, and I believe on what Steve Jobs once said, "[our] heart and intuition [...] somehow already know what [we] truly want to become."

I am ready for the next chapter of my life, which I am already writing, Let's see what time and life brings.

Dare to be... Whatever that is, whatever that means.