The day he let me go

November 14th, 5 am... The alarm of my phone went off. I didn't even take the time to think about the importance of the day... I did my bed, took a shower, put my travel clothes on and grabbed my backpack. My London parents were already up, waiting for me at the door of what it was my room for a month. Dad gave me a massive hug and wished me well... He loved me so much, I could feel how much he wanted me to be better, happier. Mara, whom I called mum for a month too, joined me on the taxi to the airport... I could have never dreamed of better adoptive parents as them... They took care of me for a month, in absolutely every possible way, they were my angels on earth.

5:30, the taxi arrived... There I was, with my heart broken in pieces, but full of hope and courage. I had 4 big bags with me... Funny how you think you have so much and suddenly your whole life (or a portion of it) fits in 4 suitcases. I joked many times with my mum about all the things that I needed to leave behind (because I didn't have a place to keep them), telling her "I took my dignity with me, and that's all that matters". The journey to the airport felt like an eternity, I said good bye to every corner we passed by... There it was, the beautiful London, its magic and energy. A wise friend once said "the British dream is not for everyone", and she was right...

We got to the airport and went directly to the American Airlines desks, to do my check in... I did this trip so many times and seemed impossible to me to think that I was never going to be back again. I looked at my phone trillions of times hoping he will text me, hoping and praying for him to give me a "sign" of his love. He knew I was leaving that day, I was almost certain he knew about my flight, and all I could do was hope he will realize how "stupid" it was to let me go. 

I finished my check in... Mara was there all the time, she gave me her support and joked in the very best way she could do, to keep my spirit up. We went for some coffee as it was way too early for my flight, but if you have been in London, you know what traffic is like at peak times. I had a latte, from Costa; I knew it was going to be my last one, as there are no shops in Mexico nor in the US. We had a laugh, we remembered the good times, we cried a bit and then it was time to go... Mara and I walked to the security gate and said our goodbyes... I never felt so damn sad in my whole life. I was going to leave my dreams behind, my marriage, my hopes, the life I builded with so much effort, love and care... I was going to leave my heart behind... Mara stood there, waving at me, with a beautiful smile, I could feel her love... 

I need to make a confession today, that day I looked back over a hundred times, on the hope that he could appear out of nowhere with flowers, saying how much he loved me.... Asking me not to leave... but that didn´t happen. So I cried, I cried with a pain that I didn't know before, because I knew once Security screening was over, it was all going to be over for us as well.... I took my lap top out of my bag for screening; I then took my scarf off and tears were just coming out... Every tear was a dream broken, a piece of my heart bleeding... I felt worthless... Worthless, because he was not there to fight for me. I tried looking back again, searching for his face, yet he was not there. Security was over... we were over... It took me about 5 minutes to realize that I needed to stop crying. It just took me 5 minutes to understand  that I needed to stand up, have courage and keep my head up. I was not going to let this kill me. Yes, he let me go, but I was not going to stumble. Yes, he let me go, but I had so many people that truly loved me and for that I was thankful. Yes, he let me go, but I had me and I was not alone...

When I got on that plane, not even one tear came out of my eyes... All I did was pray; I prayed to God for a second chance, I begged for another shot in life.. "Just let me get there, let me get home, and I will do it better this time, I promise..."

After 18 hours, I got home... God gave me another chance.

The day he let me go, life welcomed me, again.

Every day is a gift and we should  do absolutely everything we can to pay back for this gift.

Dream. Live. Have courage. Be thankful. 

Picture taken on my flight back home :)

My best friend's wedding (ish)

Today one of my best friends is getting married... He is not my best friend, but to be honest I couldn't find a better title for this post haha

I met him a while ago, I can't truly remember the specific date... I am certain that he remembers absolutely every detail of that day, and not necessarily because it had something special, is just that he has an incredible memory.

I was lucky to meet him almost by accident... Before we became true friends I always thought he was quite weird and special in a good way, and I was right. When I had the chance to actually interact with him I discovered a world of wonders in his mind... "Life is chaos" he used to say (and still says), and he was so right. He taught me that life is an accumulation of experiences, accidents, moments, choices.. And that one can only do as much to be "in control", which for him doesn't truly exists. I have never met someone as genuine as he is.... A pure heart, a bright and a bit twisted mind, along with a fantastic heavy sense of humor. He walked right next to me when I didn't even know what walking was... He listened to my nonsense for hours and made me remember who I was when I was beyond lost. He was and still is, the true definition of a great friend.

Today he is getting married, and I couldn't be happier for him. I think everyone deserves a happy life, a beautiful ending that leads to an amazing beginning, absolutely everyone deserves that... but he, he not only deserves a happy life, but a life full of magic, endless love and beautiful surprises... Because the world needs to be fair with those who give more; the world needs to give back more to those who forget about themselves for a moment to help others find some love and who they are in the journey of life. 

Today I am thankful with the world, with God and life, for giving me the honor of being his friend. Today I not only wish him well, I wish him a fantastic marriage and a love that never ends... My friend and his beautiful wife, deserve the world. May God grant them the gift of a happy ever after.

Congratulations on your wedding.

Being on your own doesn't mean you are alone

I never knew what being completely on my own was, up until now... I guess I have been alone many times; I have been even without myself, but now is different, I am on my own... and it feels good.

I am only 27, almost 28, and since I was 13 I have had boys in my mind, boys around me... I guess it was a success indicator, culturally speaking (being socially "nice" or "pretty"). Don't get me wrong, I didn't date them all, but it always made me feel "somebody" to know that someone liked who I "was" (or what they thought I was). And it felt good, actually I enjoyed every date, every butterfly in my stomach, every emotion running through my body, every letter and even the simplest hello from someone who I knew felt "something" for me. So since I was very young, I "needed" to be validated by others, it was easier than validating myself, I guess?

I have had 2 major relationships in my life... I dated a guy for 8 years and I honestly thought he was the love of my life. I mean after 8 years all is left to think is "this is it" right? All that I was, all that I believed in, was framed and shaped by our relationship. I basically grew up with him... He was there through all my typical stupid "girl" issues; he was there when I decided that I didn't want to be me any more; he was there with me when I lost my Grandad; he was there when I broke up with him, and there he was even when I decided that I wanted to be with him again (and this happened many times). He was there when I decided I wanted to dance salsa, then when I decided I wanted to play football, and yet again, he was there when I decided to marry him, but then I walked away, as I always did. This guy was really there, all the time! He truly made me happy and knew me so well... I mean we went through all the possible changes someone can experience as a high-school student, a college graduate and then as a professional. One day, I woke up and after evaluating our relationship, I decided that we were not meant to be together. There were definitely mistakes he made that made me feel like I needed to walk away, but that´s not the reason I am writing now :). All I am saying is that this has been the most meaningful relationship I have ever been in.
After we broke up I tried very hard to understand what went wrong, the mistakes I made and I promised myself that next time I was going to do it better. A heart broken always opens our eyes and soul to reality and forces us to grow up and form some tick skin, which is always good... After this, I was feeling more like a woman and I thought my love lesson in life was over... Well, it wasn't, little I knew that by the age of 24 you can barely know what the word love means.
So, I walked away from this guy and it took me a while to get "over" him, but I was never alone... I didn't date anyone properly for a while but I always had someone to talk to, someone who could make me feel that I was special and as a consequence, made me think the "right" person was going to arrive One day, for sure One day... I mean, why not? I was socially "nice and pretty"... I always thought, "I am going to be ready for Mr. Right, I hold a masters degree on Love" (I was not even close).
Months passed by and I met Who then became my husband. After being in such a long relationship, my ex husband Who is a successful English man, seemed to be the perfect guy... And some how, he was! full of compliments, surprises, gifts, nice words. He played the piano for me, traveled thousands of miles to meet me every month... He showed me so many worlds that I didn't know... Everything from driving on the wrong side of the Road, a very nice meal, to extremely luxurious hotels. For him there were no impossibles, no limits, no dream was big enough. Being a very self-conscious person, he was all I could dream of... Someone confident, successful, funny, sweet... Yet, after a year of marriage, our worlds clashed and it all came to an end. I walked away, again.
After this massive break up I felt like the biggest fail in the world. I Honestly thought he was the one! When we were together I could picture us growing old. I even dreamed of our kids having the latino/white mix, possibly with blue eyes like his'. I guess nothing is written in Stone and some how I went through another love lesson... And Honestly, this One felt like a full PhD, but I truly needed it, I somehow needed to go through that to realize how little I knew about life, about love, about the world, and about my self... To be honest I still have millions of things to learn and discover, but at least now I know this and I even doubt of what I think I know. (Is a good start, I guess?)
Thanks to my PhD in love (or heart break), I learned one of the biggest lessons of my life: when you force your self (or life forces you) to be truly alone, when you only have you to count with and you can only have your inner love to lift you (and God's if you believe in Him), that's when you realize of how small you were when you were trying to find yourself (and love, reassurance, etc) in others... That´s when you realize that you can be bigger and better, for you and for the world, if you truly have yourself and if you believe in who you are (even if who you are is an extremely imperfect person). Knowing that you can count with yourself and that being on your own doesn't mean being alone, some how gives you hope... Or at least it gave me hope.

It's been a year since the event happened, and perhaps is not a lot, but for me this year has felt like an eternity. Its the first time in my life that I am on my own, without feeling alone. Is the first time I think that as much as I would like to "find" someone, I need to stop searching for it. Part of me thinks that this lack of interest in "looking" comes from my fears, however I am more inclined to think that this is due to the need of being with myself and making time to dream, to set up professional and personal objectives... I want to believe I just want to be with me and be, whatever that means.

Only time will tell if I have made right or stupidly wrong with my life... All I can say today is that in every decision I have made, I have listened to my heart, and I believe on what Steve Jobs once said, "[our] heart and intuition [...] somehow already know what [we] truly want to become."

I am ready for the next chapter of my life, which I am already writing, Let's see what time and life brings.

Dare to be... Whatever that is, whatever that means.